found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
