Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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