Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize