Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
