My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
