I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize