she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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