theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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