I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dignity is for republicans.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
