no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
