She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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