Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
