if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I didn't notice because vodka
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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