I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
