Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
