Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
