The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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