I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
