If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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