She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
