dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
