sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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