I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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