I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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