u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
