He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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