Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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