My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
