I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
