I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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