capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
