Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
