Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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