Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
