you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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