lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
