woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You are a genius and a whore.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
