Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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