The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
