We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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