On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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