ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
