cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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