the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
