Even water is tasting like jack daniels
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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