Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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