things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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