I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
