Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
