I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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