I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
