Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
