I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize