I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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