There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
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