Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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