I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
