I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
