Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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